There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
