Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
