matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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