Porn is love you can see.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
