In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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