I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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