I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
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Just took my morning after pill in the library
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
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It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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