Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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