If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
