BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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