My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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