My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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