hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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