Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
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I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
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Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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