you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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