I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
