My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
