Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
