On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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