im about as happy as oj after his trial
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
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I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
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If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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