Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
