I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
