I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
