So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
