you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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