I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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