he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
