the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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