woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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