I want to have your abortion
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
