Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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