I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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