Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
