So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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