What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
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Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
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You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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