my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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