i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
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Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
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Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.