I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...