he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
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I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
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You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep