My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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