I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
