Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
