Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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