Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
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I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize