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Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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