isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Randomize
