Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
