Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
