First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
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your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
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Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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