What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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