Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
