I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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