just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How does one acquire holy water?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
