You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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