Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
When did angry sex become our thing?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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