Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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