I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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