dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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