I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
