oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
