actually, I'm a sock model
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
