why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
